Early in World War II, a tall, imposing Englishman, with British Intelligence, interviewed me in Whitehall. He said rather curtly: "We are making plans for a top secret operation in Canada. It's all been arranged. You'll be Prime Minister MacKenzie King's personal attendant. You'll get a code name."

"Can I be Agent 007?" I asked. "No," he replied, "I'm afraid that's being used. What about Agent 5.6?" "Why 5.6?"  "That's your height."   "Why am I spying on Prime Minister King?" I asked. He replied. "We think your PM is off his rocker. Your PM talks to his dog - to his late mother and to President Roosevelt's dog. Churchill wants to know whether we should invade Europe or Canada first."   

"Canada would be easier." I opined. "I don't mean that." he said tersely. "Can we trust your PM?  Thousands of lives are at stake. We can't have someone who might put his pants on backwards serving as one of our chief allies." 

"I don't think anybody in Canada knows that the PM talks to his dog or his mother or the president's dog. It's news to me. You're telling me that our PM is not playing with a full deck?"   

"Yes. But we would like you to confirm it."  "I think I'm getting a headache. I don't think that this job is for me. I'm bowing out."  

"Nobody bows out, Agent 5.6." He reached into his desk, pulled out a revolver and angrily put it up to my forehead.  Just then - I woke up. 

Your new assignment 

I found that I was in Washington, D.C. I had just been hired by President Bill Clinton's spin doctors to see if I could get Clinton out of being impeached. I knew when I was approached that it was not going to be an easy task. There was a group of harried-looking men and women gathered around my big desk hoping that I could come up with the magic elixir to save Clinton's job - and theirs. 

My reputation had gone before me - all the way back to the time when I talked British intelligence in World War II out of eliminating our Canadian prime minister just because he had a habit of talking to his dog and his dead mother and President Roosevelt's dog. That was perfectly normal behavior, I assured them, for a bachelor with poor social graces. I also told them that it fit in well with the fact that the founding father of the country, Sir John A., was a drunk.  

I asked the spin doctors whether there were sufficient grounds to impeach President Clinton. The spin  
doctors insisted that there were absolutely none - except for allegations of campaign-law abuse, bribery, conversion of government resources, improper quid pro quo, labor-law abuse, obstruction of justice, foreign influence, withholding and destroying records, purloining FBI files, using the IRS to intimidate opponents, meeting with drug dealers, arms traders and mobsters, raising illegal campaign money, selling influence and shaking down Chinese businessmen. 

I interrupted them excitedly:  "When did Clinton find time to be the president of the United States?!" 

President's agenda  

I could see that they weren't too pleased with that question. I asked; "What about all these women who are charging Clinton with sexual offenses. When did he ever find time for THAT?!"  

"Listen, we brought you down here to help us out of this mess - not to ask tough questions. What can we do?" 

"Just off the top of my head - you could get Clinton to resign from the presidency and announce that he is entering a Trappist monastery. That should stop impeachment talk." 

"Bill wouldn't last an hour in a monastery. What else?" 
"Start a rumor that Bill Clinton never passed a blood bank without stopping to give blood." 
"Oh yeah. Nobody would take Bill's blood. What else?" 
"An evil twin doin' all this stuff, giving Bill a bad rep?" 

"We tried it but it didn't work. Bill's `evil twin' sued us for character defamation and we had to settle out of court."  

"With Clinton's popularity at 60 per cent in the States - why don't you say that if the impeachment proceedings go ahead that Clinton will flee to Canada and become a Canadian citizen and the next PM  of the country."  

"You mean you guys up there would vote for Bill?" He had that `I'm from Missouri look.' 
"Yeah, " I said, "I think we would."