My daughter, Tara, gave me a lovely Christmas present -- a new book called Irish Humour (Continuum, New York) -- and it has provided me with a few guffaws which I would like to share some with readers. Now remember, a joke is never old -- unless you've heard it before.

Also remember -- some of these jokes are as old as some of the bills we've got lying around the house. A typical one is about an Irishman apologizing for running away from a fight, who said: "Bedad, I'd rather be a coward for 15 minutes than a corpse the rest of my life." Or a Pat and Mike joke: Pat: "Did you attend Casey's funeral?"

Mike: "I did."

Pat: "Were you one of the mourners?"

Mike: "I was -- someone stole my hat."

My favorite is a statement made by Sir Boyle Roche, an Irish Parliamentarian, who said in Parliament: "Why should we beggar ourselves to benefit posterity. What has posterity ever done for us?" In a letter to a friend, he also declared, "While I write this letter, I have a pistol in one hand and a sword in the other." Another one of his comments: "Along the untrodden paths of the future, I can see the footprints of an unknown hand."

Now it's time to take a belated look at goofs that took place in Canada in 1997.

In Ontario, Doug Little, the city of Orillia's downtown manager who was instrumental in establishing a casino there, is fired for stealing $80,000 to support his gambling addiction. (Didn't you know, Doug, that casinos were created to bankroll the government?)

Hula-Hoops and Harris

Now we come to giving out our annual awards. The first award goes to the politician with the worst memory. The award goes to Ontario Premier Mike Harris. (It was a tie between Mike, President Bill Clinton -- and a thousand other politicians). Two years ago, Harris said publicly: "I can guarantee you, it is not in my plan to close hospitals." Then Harris had to explain why he had to make the unpopular decision to close hospitals and lay off staff: "Just as hula-hoops went out, and those workers had to have a factory and a company that would manufacture something else that's in, it's the same in government."

That was soon followed by the news that a 75-year-old patient was left untreated for 10 1/2 hours after falling out of his bed at a Toronto hospital and breaking his arm. (Mike, maybe the laid-off nurses on that floor were out looking for jobs in the factory that used to make hula-hoops).

 A former Metro politician -- an ex-con who was sentenced to two years in a penitentiary for accepting bribes -- registers as a candidate in the recent Toronto municipal election. (That guy just can't get enough).

Then in 1997 we saw the Harris government being found in contempt of the legislature by the speaker (a Tory) for wasting tens of thousands of taxpayers' dollars on self-serving and misleading propaganda. (I bet Harris rues the day he didn't give that mouthy guy a cabinet minister's job in order to shut him up).

Tightwad Harris loosened up a pile of taxpayers' money when he recently blew $500,000 of it to jazz up a second office for himself and his staff across the street from Queen's Park. That makes it three offices. He's got one up in North Bay too. As they say, a politician can never be too good to himself.

Harris should have sent those extra bucks he rounded up to Chilliwack, B.C., where Frank magazine reports that due to overcrowding in a courtroom, a jury hearing a manslaughter trial had to be moved to the men's room of a community centre. Where next? A sauna bath at the Holiday Inn?

And a hearing aid should be on order for Judge Edwin Minden, who recently freed Howard Burke of Newmarket, Ont., on a charge of attempted murder when he mistook a cough from the jury foreman for a not-guilty verdict.

(Hurry!)

What's this?! Saskatchewan killer Robert Latimer, home for Christmas with what's left of his family, while poor Linda Gibbons languishes in jail in Ontario over Christmas for urging women in front of an abortion mill not to kill their unborn babies?

"Cheer up," I keep reminding myself. At least the Saskatchewan NDP haven't been able to get Latimer the Order of Canada yet ... Wait! It's Ottawa on the phone!