A weird, wacky world

There was a report in the National Post recently about U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan who are going into battle with a new camouflage face paint makeup conceived by Bobbie Weiner, who has a contract with the U.S. military. She is the Hollywood makeup artist who did the makeup for the floating bodies in Titanic. The results she achieves are frightening enough to make any intelligent enemy surrender at first sight. However a problem has occurred and we take you to the entrance of a cave in Afghanistan where Osama bin Laden has been located. An attack is about to be launched.

“What seems to be the problem, private?”

“I can’t go, lieutenant.”

“Why?”

“Someone has stolen my makeup kit.”

“Your makeup kit?! That’s a court marshall offence for sure! Can’t you borrow somebody else’s makeup kit?”

“Are you kidding? They’d rather part with their rifle.”

“What about supply?”

“They’re all out of them. There’s even a black market for them.”

“Well, private, you’re going to have to tough it out.”

“You mean go in there without any makeup on?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“But I’ll look like a mark! I’ll be the only one attacking without any makeup on! Don’t make me go, sir!”

“Get a little guts! This may get you a medal!”

“I’ll go, sir! But if I ever catch the guy that stole my makeup kit he’ll be a U.S. casualty.”

“I don’t blame you, son. I don’t know what this war’s comin’ to. You can’t trust anybody.”

A Muslim cleric, Sheik Abu Qatada, a Palestinian who moved to Britain in 1993 as a political refugee, was accused of being the spiritual leader of bin Laden’s al-Queda movement in Europe. Qatada was in court recently objecting to having his welfare benefits of $960 a month stopped when anti-terrorist officials found he had assets of $400,000. He is out of jail at present after being arrested by British police in February. Legal sources say he is expected to receive legal aid. If anybody should believe in Santa Claus that guy should.

I read about a cop killer, Clinton Suzack, convicted along with another person only six years ago, after serving time in Kingston Penitentiary and Joyceville. Over a judge’s objections, he was transferred two months ago to William Head Institution in B.C., a “Club-Fed” oceanside prison where inmates can fish and play golf. “Prison, anyone?” (Oh the people on welfare in B.C. should be lining up.)

Suzack was reportedly moved recently to Mission Institution, another almost as good “Club-Fed” facility on the B.C. mainland – lacking only a golf course and a view of the ocean but described by a previous con as “much like a college campus.” These recent transfers were done also over the strenuous objections of the late police officer’s widow and family and a host of politicians. Whatever happened to the old saw that the punishment should fit the crime?

A story came out about a chaplain at the Kingston Pen who was addressing a group of hardened cons trying to instill a spiritual approach into their lives and increase their awareness of God. He asked: “Where would you like to go when you die?” One con piped up: “William Head.”

A message to Ontario Tories: Nobody reads that $6 million dollar school ads drivel that you pour out. Nobody believes it. They think it’s just like the junk mail from the federal Liberals. May I suggest that you give all the teachers the month of September off and a glorious cruise to the Bahamas. You’ll get more out of it.

McCrory Corp., a U.S. dollar store operation, paid $68 million in May of this year for Dylex which consisted of 259 BiWay stores and 17 Fairweather locations by selling their 259 BiWay stores inventory for $63 million! McCrory expects to get another $20 million for Fairweather.

On Aug. 3, four days after telling the courts that Dylex was solvent and coaxing suppliers to ship merchandise, McCrory told a judge they wanted to go bankrupt. The judge wasn’t amused and took Dylex away from McCrory Corp. and appointed an interim receiver. The charges were stripping Dylex bare under the cloak of bankruptcy protection. Will these McCrory executives go to jail for this caper?

No, they won’t even go to William Head. Too bad.

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